Dear Reader

As you have probably noticed, almost none of my genres express the idea of my paper on their own, and I intended it that way. I do not believe I can be confined to a certain writing space to define the complicated, long term, and in-depth problems that allow a marriage to end in divorce. The "incompatibility" issues stem from a long life together, each argument and problem building upon each other until the weight is too much to bare any longer. Because of this, I decided to allow my genres to work together to tell the bits and pieces of the story of Annabelle and Evan, and of their years together. My first genre was Evan's toast to his wife at his wedding reception, and the first use of the words "perfect," "best friend," and "honored" throughout my genres in reference to how Evan feels about his wife. The rest of my genres use these exact words in various formats, the second being a diary entry by Annabelle about their three year anniversary, the third being a letter from Evan to his mistress that he acquires some years later, and the last being a short story about Annabelle and Evan's 27th anniversary, focusing mostly on Annabelle's newfound ability over the years to see that Evan is disgusted by her aging, but feels obligated to stay with her. Although there are various parts throughout the genres that may connect to each other, the words Evan speaks to his wife are my golden thread, and reflect how after 27 years together, Evan still has learned nothing about who his wife truly is and does not care to know, connecting to my main idea of how the "ideal self" that Annabelle created when she first started seeing Evan, the woman who was "perfect," "his best friend," and a woman worth "honoring," was who Evan married, and what ultimately led to the demise of their relationship.

The Beginning (#1)

I mean, I have no idea where to start. I knew Annie was the girl from the beginning. Not just a girl, I mean that seems pretty obvious, but the girl, the girl I knew was different. When I first met her at my friend Kevin’s party, she was so...nice. Not the kind of nice where you know she’s just saying that, but the kind of nice where you know all she wants is to make you feel better. She’s the most considerate person I’ve ever met, cooking me dinner after a long day, surprising me at work with gifts, and letting me hold her as we fall asleep. She’s perfect in every way, my best friend as well as my wife, and I’m honored that you chose me to be your husband. Annabelle Sophia Henderson, I love you so much and I promise that I will do everything I can to make you the happiest woman on Earth until the end.

January 13th, 1991 (#2)

Last night was our three year anniversary, and of course, he took me to Pete’s, my favorite bistro when I was 20. He has taken me there every year for our anniversary for the four years we dated, and now every year since we got married, but I figure he’ll get just as sick of it as I am one day, then we’ll mix it up. I brought up moving again this morning, but he just avoided the question. I genuinely believe that if we get away from the city, he might put some distance between himself and his friends and start taking his life more seriously. Maybe that’s why he avoids the topic of moving, he’s afraid to leave his twenties behind. But I’m sick of twenties Evan, I want him to stop expecting me to cook him dinner every single night, and using my money to buy himself whatever he wants. I want forties Evan, the Evan that decides to save his gift money for our baby’s college fund or a new house, and start learning how to at least make some pasta for dinner.

He did get me a charm bracelet for an anniversary gift though, and he said eventually it will represent every amazing part of our life together. Maybe he realizes it himself, and wants to try harder for us. The card was really something too, “To my perfect wife, my best friend, and my girl until the end. Love, your honored husband.” Isn’t that sweet?

The Letter (#3)

Dear Kailee,

I’m not sure I understand why you keep asking about my wife, but I think you deserve to know the truth. I love her, and I love my family, but you know I love you more. When it comes to Annie, she’s more like my best friend, and we just know it’s not meant to last. We were not meant to grow old together, we just kind of got stuck in limbo when she got pregnant with our daughter. She stopped putting effort into our marriage, and focused more on trying to save up enough money for the kids to go to college. She’s still the same woman I married; perfect mother, my best friend in addition to my wife, and sometimes I still can’t believe she chose me to marry her. But I wanted a fresh outlook on life, past the suburbs, and go back to my twenties. I had no idea I would meet you, and you have put me in a spiral. When I say I love you Kailee Marie Samuels, you know I mean it. I’m going to ask Annie for a divorce as soon as our youngest goes off to college, then it’s you and me babe. I can’t wait to see you.

Love always, Evan.

Hands (#4)

“Thank you,” I gave the young woman a kind smile as I handed her my menu, Pete’s written in gold cursive across the leather. She forced a smile back before sauntering back into the kitchen, barely giving my husband an excuse as he watched her walk away. He forced his eyes back to me, and I could almost see the disappointment in his eyes, knowing he would have to go home with me, the fifty something mother of his children, rather than a barely legal college student.

“Are you ready for your gift?” He asked me sweetly as he pulled out a small blue bag; Tiffany’s. He slid it over to me and I pretended to be excited as I crept my hand inside and felt for the small box almost hidden under the receipt.

“Oh, thank you, Evan! I love it.” I told him, stroking his ego as I had for the past 27 years. I thumbed the small charm, a blue teddy bear for our son. He came up with the brilliant idea about ten years ago to buy me a charm bracelet so he wouldn’t have to think too hard about what to buy each year until it filled up. After he filled up the charm bracelet representing our marriage with hearts and a little Eiffel Tower--I decided not to remind him that he stayed home for our trip to France--he gave me a new one for the kids. I will give him some credit though, he gave me a little key charm one year after giving me a heart shaped lock the previous year, that took more effort than I thought he would be willing to put in.

After I clipped the new charm onto my bracelet, I took his hand and squeezed, “Thank you again, honey. This is definitely one of my favorites.” I began to finger each charm on my bracelet, examining each one as he stroked my hand. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, his eyes crinkling slightly in disgust at the age of my body as he ran his thumb over my hand, the wrinkled skin and prominent veins eventually forcing him to almost yank his hand away, just in time for the food to arrive. Just before we began to eat, he grasped my hand again and smiled lovingly at me,

“Annie, you’re perfect. You’re my best friend as well as my wife, and I feel honored every day that you chose me to be your husband.” I gave him a small smile in return, pulled my hand into my lap and began to eat.

We laid down in bed that night, staring at each other, waiting for the other to initiate the depressing anniversary sex. He gave up first, reaching out his large hand to cup my face and stroke my hair, “I love you, Annie.”

“No, you don’t.”

Expository Essay

“Invented Self”

        Karen Horney, a German psychoanalyst, released her “Theory of the Self” in 1950, with the publishing of her book Neurosis and Human Growth. In her book, Horney describes her theory as the ability for humans to view themselves in two separate lights, the “real self” and the “ideal self,” and how people can become confused as to which is their true identity. Gone Girl, a novel by Gillian Flynn concerning the disappearance of a young woman and the disintegration of a marriage, perfectly illustrates how Horney’s “Theory of the Self” could be the deep-rooted cause behind the eventual failing of a relationship.

        The “real self” is less of a concrete collection of personal likes and dislikes that make up a personality, and more like a “set of ‘intrinsic potentialities’-- including temperament, talents, capacities and predispositions--that are part of our genetic makeup and need a favorable environment in which to develop.” In Gone Girl, Amy is portrayed to have discovered her “real self” for the first time when she witnessed Nick’s infidelity. The fact that she discovered this so late in life is due to her parents conditioning her to become the perfect child and fill the role of ‘Amazing Amy’, the main character of the children's book series they created based on her, while self-realization requires “‘an atmosphere of warmth’ that enables children to have and express their ‘own feelings and thoughts,’ the ‘good will’ of others to supply their ‘many needs,’ and ‘healthy friction with the wishes and will’ of those around them.” Amy’s final realization of who she truly is is what allowed her to see the “ideal selves” that everyone else created for themselves (Paris).

        Even women with already well-defined “real selves” can unconsciously create an “ideal self” for the sake of others. For example, a woman who prefers to spend the majority of her time at her home may get lonely, and she can’t meet anyone by just sitting in her house. So, she goes out to a bar with some friends one night and meets someone who interests her. She decides to start going to that bar more often in order to increase the probability of seeing him again, giving him the impression that she goes out with her friends quite often. He becomes interested in her because he would prefer to be with a woman who wants to spend more time outside of the house. In this scenario, Horney would say that this young woman created what is called an “ideal self,” which is the “type of person we feel we should be,” while unknowingly hiding her “real self,” or “who and what we actually are” (“Karen Horney”).

        Let’s say the woman in this scenario continues to see this man, thinking that relationships are all about compromise, and she can give up the introverted part of herself for the sake of someone she cares about. But then she begins to give up more, deciding to give up the logical part of herself that would be angry that he stood her up for a dinner date, and the artistic part of herself when he reveals that he finds going to the art institute for a date rather dull. Suddenly, this woman she has created is not the woman she truly is, she is “Cool Girl.” In Gone Girl, Flynn describes “Cool Girl” as a “hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bag while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot.” Through this concept of “Cool Girl,” Flynn is basically renaming Horney’s theory, but also goes on to give a plausible explanation for why women may consciously or unconsciously do this; “He helped me be Cool Girl--I couldn’t have been Cool Girl with anyone else. I wouldn’t have wanted to. I didn’t worry about anything that came next. Nothing had consequence, I was living in the moment, and I could feel myself getting shallower and dumber. But also happy.” Clearly, even if women may be giving up every essence of their being in order to impress a man, there is a partial reason, because these men allow these women to be happy in a way they have never experienced before, and they’re afraid he’ll slip away if they reveal that they don’t love to eat chemically processed foods or watch movies with sexist overtones (Flynn).

        However, no matter how much these women may try to hide, their true selves will always slip. According to a survey in 2013, approximately 43% of couples divorced due to “basic incompatibility,” far surpassing the other listed reasons (“Leading Causes of Divorce”). I believe a major source of this incompatibility is the fact that both men and women put on a facade for one another, become “Cool Girl,” and act as their “ideal selves,” while courting, but end up getting to know each other for their “real selves” and not seeing them as the man/woman they fell in love with anymore. Taking a relationship to the next step is always about getting closer, and that can sometimes end up only pushing people apart. This is exactly what Nick believed to have happened to his own marriage, a simple problem of incompatibility that led to infidelity, when that was only the beginning of the dark secrets his marriage entailed.

Works Cited

• Flynn, Gillian. Gone Girl: A Novel. New York: Crown, 2012. Print.

  "Karen Horney." Wikipedia. Wikipedia. Web. 16 May 2015. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Horney>.

  "Leading Causes of Divorce." Institute For Divorce Financial Analysts. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 May 2015. <https://www.institutedfa.com/Professionals.php?Articles-Leading-Causes-of-Divorce-74>.

  Paris, Bernard J. "Karen Horney's Vision of the Self." American Journal of Psychanalysis 59.June (1999): 157-66. Print.